of muffins and cicadas
Friday, April 27, 2007
Because this is unnaturally specific, I stand amidst the awkwardness and I, for the hundredth time, slip out of consciousness.
This lulling humming induced a delightful trance, and buried all chaotic tendencies upon levels of trickling blood. A shiny shade of crimson, glaring at me like it's a slithering shadow angered by my unbounded thinking. From its rippling state, a sudden wave of silencing peace skims through it like a magical ring of sanctuary, and is ignited into its fiery form, dark violet, a mixture of the death of flowers and unborn veils of aurora, waiting, cackling in delight, almost sneering - at me. The lulling acoustic is cut short, as if the expected next lyric was suddenly forgotten, and another tone succeeds it, a sound that reeks and resonates of lapsing time and memory, of forgotten words and bliss, of binding relationships and principles, of empty promises and hearts. I realize I'm balancing atop a mountain peak now, but it doesn't really seem like a mountain, more like a peak without a base, or an unseen base, and is surrounded by dark waters, gushing around me. It's probably Lethe pronouncing my fate, calling me to sink my memory into it, and dissolve everything. I look up, and there was the dark purple lights of the fiery monster, looking down on me, calling me as well, to rise up to it, to free myself of inhibitions and risk my sanity (or insanity), and feel the eternal heat of what it's like to be near the sun. I'm confused and I tear a wound open on my feat as my whole body weighs down on the sharp peak, and I let not a tiny scream out, for I fear the disturbance of souls and their hostile sirens will grip me into submission and sadness. I think, and think, and think.
I think of many answers as to why I still choose to stand and mutilate my body in this searing peak, and not free myself of everything and choose the omniscient water below and sink into the sleepy melody, or reach for the burning entity above, and scald myself to death with the heat and the resounding music of apathy. I realize that it's not me, for I yearn for one over the other, and not to stay here, it's something that's holding my feet into the ground, and keeping me from falling or floating away. Whoever or whatever this force is, it plays me a nasty game of wishful thinking, showing me the possibilities, but allowing me to finally reach neither. But I think to negatively, and maybe this is the best way I could go, since I continue to confuse myself with ignorant thinking. It's all that I could get, possibly, and I should be content with it. So I let the peak continue to tear my feet apart, and I open my mouth, not to release a silent scream, but to let a lulling humming escape, and let myself slip into unconsciousness. It's not the perfect bliss, but it's enough for me.
smiled at the sun again @ 6:53 PM,
