ch-ch-check it out
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I have a new reason:
You see, well not really, but for me you do see, that I always put up with my nonchalant manner of turning my back, then glancing back to take another look, even if it would really mean becoming the hypocritical bastard that I've come to realize I am. I ask for forgiveness for seemingly ignoring, even appearing to be avoiding you, and this must (or this is me thinking in a one-side track manner) be sending slight pangs of pain to you. I do not enjoy, in any mentionable manner that is possible, dashing around the corner and hiding, trying to cover my face from the slightest warmth that could be coming from wherever. It hurts me, that I have to do this, and that I have to make it seem like I'm changing into a plastic, inhumane being, and intend to give you the really, REALLY cold shoulder. It even hurts me that I have to look again, out of sheer guilt, if I had really roused such a negative reaction form you, and when I make the slightest eye contact, I cringe and shrivel into several insignificant pieces, and in my weak state, I receive the much deserved hurt look in those knowing eyes. Now, how do I explain this? Well, this is how it is: I have been misled. Out of frustration, and possible craving for a void to be filled, I bridge a gap between you and me that I have been observing for a few years. Actually, that's politically incorrect, it's MY gap. It's a gap only to me. I noticed this gap. To you, it meant nothing, but I don't mean to say that in a bad way. It's not your fault anyway, it's just me complaining about life is all. I know that you would've gladly met me on the other side, even just to a certain level of civility - that is, a smile and a simple hi, nothing less, nothing more. In my quest to create this metaphorical bridge, I find myself trapped in my confused principles and your.. well you. It is stirred along with unknown emotions of what I've become and what I've been doing, and well, it becomes a taboo and an obsession at the same time. I am afraid to take another step into bridging the gap, but at the end of it all, I suddenly think: will you really be there to say hi and smile? It's childish, it's immature, it's moronic, it's everything I suddenly became after thinking about this - a pile of useless mush. Even just thinking about this, in this way, must mean something is up, and something is going to happen later on that will surely not do me good. With this in mind, I hold this train of thought as taboo, and taboo only, and thus, the seemingly indifferent stature. There is a need to ignore, and I hope you understand this. Hold all the sharp looks and hurt expressions, the slight shrugs and the twisting of smiles into grimaces. I do not want this, and I do not intend to do this, but there is a need for it. Forgive me.
smiled at the sun again @ 6:59 PM,
